


"This isn't what I meant when I said we should spice things up."

by IceBreeze



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, M/M, nobody expects the pacman curse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24646312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceBreeze/pseuds/IceBreeze
Summary: “Kisuke,” said the yellow monstrosity, with a familiar voice from an unfamiliar face,“it is me, Ichigo. Don’t you recognise me?”“Considering that the last time I checked you weren’t a discount ball gag with a truly horrifying mouth? No. No I don’t.”“I’m sorry,” and now he sounded sad, even though it seemed that mouth was incapable of doing anything other than smile. Kisuke really did not like that. “I was cursed by a witch. I’m stuck like this until it is broken.”“Kisuke,” Benihime said, “I think the only option left is to kill him. You can find another boyfriend. One that isn't an abomination.”She made a point. A tempting one. As much as Kisuke loved Ichigo, Pacman curses had never been part of the deal.Ichigo gets hit with a curse that turns him into something truly horrible. The only cure for it is to fuck. Kisuke is less happy about this than you might expect.
Relationships: Kurosaki Ichigo/Urahara Kisuke
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	"This isn't what I meant when I said we should spice things up."

**Author's Note:**

> this was written in twenty minutes because someone challenged me. because apparently the only porn i will write is crack. hope you enjoy this more than kisuke did.

When Kisuke opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was yellow.

Just- yellow. A lot of yellow, enough to block out the rest of the world, and considering that the last time Kisuke checked his ceiling had not been painted that colour, this is a big sign something is wrong.

Then he sees the mouth. It is a very big mouth, with a very big tongue, and like any regular person, Kisuke is mildly concerned at there being such a thing so close to his face. The tongue is bigger than he is, probably, and idly he thinks that any attempt at rimming with that would end up in some unfortunate anal tearing. Above the mouth is two beady, soulless eyes, and it all paints a very bleak picture. 

A picture the likes of which Kisuke would very much like nothing to do with.

A picture that holds only despair.

It paints a very bleak picture, and the picture is this:

Pacman is in Kisuke's bed, far closer than you ever want to be to something as horrific as that, and Ichigo is nowhere to be found.

Pacman is in Kisuke's bed.

Fucking.

Pacman.

???????????????????????????????????????????????????

 _“Hmm,”_ Benihime said, _“Don’t like that.”_

“Not to be rude, Pacman,” Kisuke said, “But what the actual fuck?”

“Kisuke,” said the yellow monstrosity, with a familiar voice from an unfamiliar face,“it is me, Ichigo. Don’t you recognise me?”

“Considering that the last time I checked you weren’t a discount ball gag with a truly horrifying mouth? No. No I don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” and now he sounded sad, even though it seemed that mouth was incapable of doing anything other than smile. Kisuke really did not like that. “I was cursed by a witch. I’m stuck like this until it is broken.”

“ _Kisuke,”_ Benihime said, _“I think the only option left is to kill him. You can find another boyfriend. One that isn't an abomination.”_

She made a point. A tempting one. As much as Kisuke loved Ichigo, Pacman curses had never been part of the deal.

“And how do you break the curse?”

“True loves orgasm.”

“…excuse me?”

“I need to fuck you to break the curse.”

Kisuke threw a hand over his face and sighed. “You better make it up to me later on. Pacman is the opposite of sexy, Ichigo. You know this isn’t my kink.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

"Not as sorry as you will be when Benihime gets her hands on you."

And then they did some interior decorating. A bit of baking the potato. The squat thrust in the cucumber patch. The boom-boom, the bonestorming, the bam-bam-in the ham. They burped the worm in the mole hole. They cattle prodded the oyster ditch with the lap rocket. A join session of congress. Loading the clown into the canon. Putting the email in the spam folder.

They fucked, dear reader, and it was a strange time. Because like the tongue, Pacmanigo’s dick was also stupidly large, and no matter how much lube they used, it was still a tight fit. Because despite the fact that someone apparently decided to give Pacmanigo a dick, he still didn’t have hands, so Kisuke had to do everything himself.

They fucked, the good old rip-n-dip, the rumpy pumpy, the snu-snu, the bumping uglies when one ugly is very large and very yellow.

They fucked, and it was cursed, and Kisuke will probably need a few years of therapy for the mental trauma it has inflicted, but in the end, the curse is lifted. Pacmanigo once again becomes Ichigo. Kisuke gets his boyfriend back, but at what cost.

“If you ever do that again,” Kisuke said, “I’m divorcing you.”

“Love you too,” Ichigo said. 

And if his smile was a little too wide on his face, his mouth a little bigger than it should be, then.

Well.

What Kisuke doesn’t know won’t hurt him.


End file.
